


Five Rumors About Tony Stark That Aren't (Entirely) True

by AlmostLeia



Category: Iron Man (Movies)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-20
Updated: 2012-12-20
Packaged: 2017-11-21 17:58:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/600573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlmostLeia/pseuds/AlmostLeia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>For <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/users/dotfic">dotfic</a>: beta reader, cheerleader, handholder, and victim of my eventual horrible revenge.</p>
<p>Originally posted on LJ 5/26/08</p>
    </blockquote>





	Five Rumors About Tony Stark That Aren't (Entirely) True

**Author's Note:**

> For [dotfic](http://archiveofourown.org/users/dotfic): beta reader, cheerleader, handholder, and victim of my eventual horrible revenge.
> 
> Originally posted on LJ 5/26/08

1.  
From CelebutantWatch.com: 

FROST GETS SOME ICE?

We’ve got such a scoop for you, readers! A supersekrit source at an ultraposh restaurant that shall remain nameless says Tony Stark popped the question to fellow multi-gajillionaire Emma Frost last night! We knew the man could melt any girl’s… heart, but not our favorite Old-Money-turned-mogul ‘Frost by name, frost by nature’ Emma! Expect photos of the giant diamond we’re sure to see in the next few days!

Mazel Tov, you crazy kids! (We give it a week.)

* * *

 

“We could…”

“No.”

“How about…”

“Still no, Tony.” 

“You don’t even know what I was going to…”

“I know exactly what you’re going to say. And what you’re thinking right now. No.”

“That’s just unfair.”

“It isn’t my fault you’re so loud.”

“What about that time in Phuket? I seem to recall certain...” That was a good weekend. Tony pulls up the visuals in his mind and tries not to feel ridiculous attempting to think at someone.

Emma might, possibly, be blushing. It’s hard to tell. “That was Goa.”

“I’m pretty sure it was…”

“No, you just like saying Phuket.”

“You, Miss Frost, are no fun.”

“That isn’t what you said in Istanbul.”

“Not Constantinople?”

“If you must get songs stuck in my head, at least have the courtesy to choose ones you know all the words to.” 

He lifts her hand from the table and kisses it lightly. “Anything for you, my darling.” Because Emma seems to like him best when he’s sarcastic, a little meaner than usual, when he’s playing the perfect consort to her ice queen instead of the jester. Oh, that’s an idea. Before she can pick up on it Tony’s out of his chair, still holding her hand, and getting down on one knee.

Emma looks somewhere between horrified and homicidal. She doesn’t need to read his mind to know what’s coming. The entire restaurant knows what’s coming. The occasional glances have turned into frantic searches for a camera phone.

“Emma Frost, goddess of my heart, won’t you please do me the very great honor of becoming my wife and finally making an honest man of me?” He declaims. Tony’s never declaimed before, but that’s definitely what that was, declaiming. Normally he’d be a little worried she’d take him up on it, but this is Emma. The only thing she hates more than making a scene is making a commitment.

“No one on this or any other planet could make you honest, Tony.” she mutters before pulling him up into a kiss. It’s not an answer, but it’s enough for the audience, who honest-to-god start clapping.

She’s smiling like she loves him, but is at that very moment plotting to wreak some bloody vengeance on him inside his head, which, whoa, he didn’t know she could do that. The possibilities there are endless, and this was worth anything she can throw at him, it’s so worth it, because who else but Tony Stark could manage to mess with a telepath’s mind.

 

2.  
From The US Enquirer:

Stark and Wayne In Shocking Tryst

Gotham - There’ve been rumors of a Stark Industries and WayneTech R&D deal floating around the business reports, and it seems like the heads of both companies have made a merger of a much more personal kind. 

Tony might play the bruises as a consequence of his new heroic career, but that doesn’t explain what looks like rope burn on Bruce’s wrists. Apparently “spelunking” with Mr. Stark is more dangerous than you’d think. 

* * *

 

“So… you’re Batman.”  
“Yes.”  
“Wow. Didn’t see that one coming.”

 

3.  
From the LA Insider:

Which social WMD has been working their famous charm on someone they shouldn’t? We’re not asking and they’re not telling, but the lucky guy’s liaised his way into more than one kind of bang for his buck.

* * *

 

There it is. Taped to his locker. Mocking him with its very existence. It’s the third time today Jim’s seen the damn thing, and the snickering behind him suggests it’s more of a prank than a warning. There’s always been gossip in the service, but an outside source takes it to a whole new level. At least he knows who to blame.

Once he’s back in his office, Jim grabs his cell and jabs the speed dial. Unsurprisingly, despite the fact it’s Tony’s phone, Pepper answers. It takes longer than it really should for her to get Tony on the line. He’s probably tinkering with something in that crazy workroom of his.

“Rhodey!” He says cheerfully, which just pisses Jim off more.

“Good morning, Tony. Or, not really good. Guess what I’ve had to put up with since I got to work?”

He can almost hear Tony’s frown. “Is the contract not going through? I told them the testing was perfectly safe. I mean, the guy’s hearing came back eventually, and it’s not as if…”

Jim cuts him off; he'd go on like that for hours otherwise. “No, the contract’s fine. However, apparently dragging your drunk ass home last week means we’re getting it on.”

“We are? Rhodey, and I say this with all the love in my heart, you suck in bed, because I don’t remember that ever happening. Did you take advantage of me in my inebriated state?” He’s joking, but Jim can hear the note of genuine curiosity under it. How the hell much had he had that night?

“No, I did not. And I’m a little insulted you think I would.” Clearly this conversation’s not going where he expected it to. Like most conversations with Tony.

“I’m sorry, I forgot you’re both an officer and a gentleman. I’ve just been told so many times that I’m irresistible.” He’s slipped into the tone he uses on Pepper sometimes, the ‘I’m arrogant yet charming and clearly you want me’ one. 

“Tony, and I say this with all the love in my heart, your ass is entirely resistible.” Jim’s noticed Tony’s good looking, of course, he’d have to be blind not to, but he can honestly say the idea of taking a ride on the Tony Stark Tilt-A-Whirl hadn’t occurred to him until this morning and he’d prefer to stop thinking about it now.

“I’m crushed. I’ll have to convince you otherwise, come over tonight.” Is Tony actually flirting with him? Jim can’t tell, but after some thought he brushes it off as Tony being Tony.

The pause seems to have made him nervous. The rambling is faster and a little higher pitched. “Seriously, come over. Pepper says Xbox marathons aren’t in her job description, what’s the point of stealing the newest game off the developer’s servers if no-one will play it with me? I have beer and nachos and you know you love trying to rationalize your bizarre tactical decisions.”

Beer, nachos, and videogames will probably turn into a loud club full of underdressed women and getting ditched for yet another of Tony’s hookups after a few hours. It does sound fun while it lasts, though. 

Sometimes Jim wonders how ‘Air Force liaison to Stark Industries’ turned into ‘buddies with Tony Stark’. Moments like this, where Tony’s acting as close to normal as he gets, are probably why. He might even be worth the stupid jokes Jim’s going to have to put up with for the next two weeks. Besides, if he needs to start retaliating against pranksters, having an engineering genius on his side can’t hurt. So… “It’s a date.”

4.  
From Smart Women Who Love Trashy Men (SWTM.com):

Stark, T – Updates

With The Irish Manwhore off being a good daddy, Tony Stark may finally have taken the #1 spot on the list of my favorite bad boys. He’s currently 8 for 10 on Maxim cover girls, but the year’s not over yet and you should never doubt the man’s ingenuity. Rumor has it he’s so sexy even artificial intelligences flirt. Of course, he programmed it. Still counts.

The latest info has him hooking up with 6 different actresses, 2 actors, 14 models, Bruce Wayne, Emma Frost, and 3 robots. Yes, you read that last one right. With anybody else I’d say at least half that list’s BS. Not Tony, though. Brains, snark, and a big ol’ slut: why Tony Stark is a trashy man I love. Even if bringing robots into the bedroom is one of my few dealbreakers.

* * *

 

Jarvis is programmed to have a sense of humor. Specifically, a sarcastic one. It was the most complicated bit of his design, requiring a great deal of trial and error, but Mr. Stark felt it was a necessary component of his house AI. Occasionally Jarvis still cannot tell if Mr. Stark is joking, but he has analyzed the records and his hit rate is only slightly worse than Ms. Potts’, which indicates the fault is with Mr. Stark, not himself. 

The data provided by monitoring Lt. Col. Rhodes is inconclusive. His heart rate often spikes when Jarvis speaks (he claims it is because talking to a disembodied voice is “spooky”); this adds a variable that is not present in Ms. Potts. Hers generally does not except when Mr. Stark is engaging in dangerous activities, has done something which has angered her, or has entered her "personal space." Circumstances being what they are, Jarvis is concerned about her cardiac health and tries to discreetly run his (admittedly rudimentary) medical scans whenever possible. 

The flirting was unintentional. Or at least, Mr. Stark never mentioned having programmed that particular response. Jarvis was unaware of how certain inflections would be taken until one of Mr. Stark’s overnight guests said “am I hearing things or is your house hitting on you?” This caused his favorite of Mr. Stark’s laughs, the one he categorizes as “I am surprised (positive).” He hears “I am surprised (negative)” far more often than he would like.

All of these factors come into play the night one of the servo arms gets overly enthusiastic about helping with the hot rod and ends up splattering oil on everything, including Mr. Stark and its own caster treads. There is both shirt removal and shoving; the inevitable crashing to the floor occurs. The resulting pile of man and machine reminds Jarvis of the first time he used Google without the SafeSearch function on. 

Predictably, this happens just before Ms. Potts and Lt. Col. Rhodes arrive in the workroom looking for Mr. Stark (if traffic conditions remain as they currently are, he will already be 12.6 minutes late for this month’s briefing.) In the brief pause between Mr. Stark’s “Not, not, what you think!” and the ensuing hysterical laughter Jarvis transfers the video feed for the last twenty minutes to a separate file and erases it from the main security log. With careful use of a screencapture program later, he ought to have some amusingly incriminating photographs with which to retaliate the next time Mr. Stark threatens to take him offline. And without the camera’s evidence, it is Mr. Stark’s word against his when he suggests that this was in fact a “tender life-changing moment” between Mr. Stark and his creation and Ms. Potts and Lt. Col. Rhodes could “never understand their love.”

 

5.  
To: v.potts@starkindustries.com  
From: sara.m@planetarygames.com  
Subject: Is it true?

So, there’s this article in the Star where you get called ‘the power behind the throne… or something more?’ Apparently your boss is madly in love with you. I’m not even going to tell you what the blogs are saying, because I still think of you as a nice girl and I don’t need my illusions shattered. But tell me tell me tell me if they’re right!  
S.

To: sara.m@planetarygames.com  
From: v.potts@starkindustries.com  
Subject: Re: Is it true?

This is my work email, Sara. Some of us actually work during business hours. 

And no, there’s nothing going on between me and Mr. Stark. 

Pepper

To: v.potts@starkindustries.com  
From: sara.m@planetarygames.com  
Subject: Serious Important Business

Lighten up! Nobody cares if you goof off a little.

Okay, I was totally lying about the nice girl thing. I’m a little disappointed in you, P. What happened, you were total geeknip in college! Remember the TA from stats? And what’shisface, Steven?  
S.

To: sara.m@planetarygames.com  
From: v.potts@starkindustries.com  
Subject: Re: Serious Important Business

Kevin. His name was Kevin and he wasn’t a geek. Even if he was, I don’t see how that relates to Mr. Stark. With whom nothing has or ever will happen. Sorry to let you down.

Pepper

To: v.potts@starkindustries.com  
From: sara.m@planetarygames.com  
Subject: RE: Re: Serious Important Business

His beloved childhood pet is a robot, P. A robot that he built himself. I work with geeks, I dig geeks, he’s not just a geek, he’s, like, King of the Geeks. Which would not in any way discourage me from hitting that like the fist of an angry god. Quite the opposite really.

Unless that thing with the women’s soccer team and the pudding actually happened.  
S.

To: v.potts@starkindustries.com, sara.m@planetarygames.com  
From: t.stark@starkindustries.com  
Subject: Re: RE: Re: Serious Important Business

Not true. It was grape jelly. 

Pepper, why haven’t you introduced me to any of your friends before now?

Hi, Sara. I’m Tony. Dinner? Drinks? Drinks for dinner? Call me.

To: t.stark@starkindustries.com, sara.m@planetarygames.com  
From: v.potts@starkindustries.com  
Subject: Hello, Mr. Stark.

> Hi, Sara. I’m Tony. Dinner? Drinks? Drinks for dinner? Call me.  
And that would be why you haven’t met my friends. 

I’m not even going to ask why you’re reading my supposedly private email when I had to send a memo reminding people to cc me on everything after the third time-sensitive explosion in Lab 4 because you never bother to check yours.

Seriously, Sara. Use my gmail address next time. 

Pepper

To: p.potts@starkindustries.com, sara.m@planetarygames.com  
From: t.stark@starkindustries.com  
Subject: Re: Hello, Mr. Stark.

Don’t listen to her, Sara. You have brought joy and wonder back into my life. Never leave.

I fixed your address. You should have said something, Virginia.

To: t.stark@starkindustries.com, sara.m@planetarygames.com  
From: p.potts@starkindustries.com  
Subject: My Email

That’s what he told the pizza delivery boy last week. Ignore him. 

Thank you, Anthony. That won’t throw off every business contact we have at all.

Pepper

To: p.potts@starkindustries.com, sara.m@planetarygames.com  
From: t.stark@starkindustries.com  
Subject: Re: My Email

It’s a redirect. I designed an AI, I can handle an email server. Actually, it could use an upgrade or three. Give me 20 minutes.

So attentive. So caring. I’m the best boss ever. 

To: pepper_potts@gmail.com  
From: sara.m@planetarygames.com  
Subject: [no subject] 

OMG IT’S TRUE. That’s, like, textbook geek flirting and you know it. He so wants to have a million of your freckle-y babies.

Call me when you get this, we’re going to the roller derby Sunday and you’re not getting out of it. The future Mr. Potts can look after himself for a couple hours.  
S.


End file.
